Letting Go

I started this post in 2017, and now I don’t remember why, but am come around again to it.

That place where you have finally decided to leave a bad relationship, but it isn’t officially over yet. All the streams and eddies of “I care for you” that you have to let flow past your feet. All the little deaths as you let go of strand after strand within the networks of relationship that you share. It can become hard to believe that what’s on the other side of this is so much better than simply staying in. After all, you’ve developed a mad set of skills for making allowances and compromises, of finding common ground and of tucking yourself away when those parts of who you are rub against the other in some negative way.


For the Dead

We used to
Ring bells
Sing songs together
Walk in a slow parade
Clean & dress & bundle & wrap our arms in loving, losing circles
My mythic ancestors knew how to
Drink and swagger their way past the dead one propped up in a coffin in a corner across the room
I woke this morning
Drunk with anxiety, ready to swagger my way past the dead ones propped up in display cases across my screen
Shut out of the rooms where cleaning & dressing & bundling & wrapping in lost, loving circled arms meet
Feeling it inappropriate
An unworthy desire to mourn
For a moment, I believed any of this has anything to do with me
The sun through maple branches spoke a secret to my soul:
Bells are ringing birds across the sky.
I have a trail to take and if I’m tender,
Can place my feet with somber care
To find a gathering of strangers
Who sing songs together.
Ceremony abounds
Rituals stalk the day
Your dead are in company.
I will join you in your mourning,
If I may.
-Written Sunday, October 28 2018

Boundary Waters Reflections

I am walking out of the Boundary Waters. The day has been windy and the heat level from the sun comes in just under blazing. Surprisingly, the BW Canoe Area  Wilderness is less humid than Iowa, so the heat isn’t too bad, especially as I pass into and out of little pockets of shade on the portage trail.

I am wearing a fancy walking sandal and the springy mud and springy sole of the shoe create a kind of soft carpet walk of the trail. It is very different from the hard clay and granite strewn mountain paths I grew up on. The only real footing decision I have to make is whether or not to plunge through sudden puddles or try to balance my way past on the marginally drier verge. The slow way wins out, and I settle into breathing and noticing.

The Boundary Waters is a good place for noticing. There are berries and flowers everywhere. Loons and tiny woodpeckers quietly slip in and out of sight, flickering past my awareness almost before I have a chance to see them there. A large turtle moseys into the canoe landing, just another rock until you notice that she is moving.

In terms of wilderness areas, this place seems more sympathetic to life than some.  Pillowy moss and gentle pools full of reeds meet tired feet, and most forms of life we encounter aren’t big on the poison, size, or pointy bits scale, mosquitos and biting flies being the exceptions. Even the spiders seem benign, and though I am sure that one encounters fierceness out here, on this occasion, we do a lot of floating, swimming, munching, and snoozing with just enough effort going into foraging wood and water to feel like we are roughing it.

I look down and see a cigarette butt on the ground. I feel a minor twinge of outrage and a deeper sense of sadness. I become guiltily aware of all the wrapped goodies I have packed in and wonder briefly whether any of them have slipped my mind. What will some crow make of the shiny insides of that granola bar wrapper I stuffed in a pocket while out fishing, and which a stray wind may have set loose when I wasn’t paying attention?

The sadness grows and swells: a bit of sorrow at the impact of my clunky feet on this fragile, beautiful place; a sense of loss at how far I live from gratitude and reliance, protected and sheltered as I am with all my electronic devices and the luxury of having packed in too much freeze-dried camp food.

I don’t know what I mean by this, but somewhere on the trail, about a third of the way across, I offer a promise out to the forest, to the ground beneath me, to the mosquitos and bees and wild strawberries: I will find a better balance. I will live into something that requires less resource, and I will ask less of my precious, fragile planet. I will be vigilant in my simplicity that it not become merely another expression of material wealth. I will choose life practices of celebration, reliance and sustenance over convenience and ease of use.

There is something else in my promise that I am not sure I understand. It is something about considering conservation of the wild by staying out of it. It is something about respecting the value of spaces like the Boundary Waters such that I question my right to exercise any kind of personal privilege in even visiting them; a sense of contrition at the burden my human preferences place on the world; the weight of conscience I feel for all the  plastic bags and fancy, lightweight gear that will never decompose that I brought in with me so I could complain about the food and lack of soft places to sleep.

As I am walking, I start to cry because I think of my friend Jeanne Robinson who died of cancer. She never walked here. She will never get to walk here. I am not sure why I am so blessed that I get to walk here, paddle here, contend with the wind, the rain, and the waves. I flashback on my experiment in fly fishing: the spotted sides of a great northern pike flaring up out of the dark water, a violent, vigorous thrash as it taste-tested my fly, only to decide not to commit, a descendent species in a genus that is 43 million years old.

I am stinky, damp, sunburned, and tired. I don’t want to go home.

*Featured Image By R27182818 at the English language Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3069673

The Clear, Though Far Off Hymn

The Universe keeps singing to me.

I read my morning news and I listen to NPR and every conversation I have with friends seems to be about the state of the nation: how it is becoming ever more clearly a nation of the State. Women’s bodies and women’s lives are being neatly ranked and positioned by men in suits who probably rarely even share breakfast, much less conversation, with their wives. Large scale construction companies literally hire mercenaries to protect projects which have no comprehensible benefit beyond profit for the bosses, while city and state governments make free to poison their citizens’ water with no discernible consequence. If you are poor, sick, psychologically struggling or in domestic relationships which are not on the approved list, the institutions which govern your life are finally ready to tell you exactly what they think of you-which apparently, is not much. Racism is in such vogue, people are starting to develop their own faddish names for it while slyly suggesting it doesn’t exist.

But then,

I look outside and the sun is glinting off the black fur of our great big bear. It is gleaming in the dappled, camouflage coat of our anxious, eager little cattle dog. They are in such transports of joy watching a squirrel leap back and forth between the trees.

The kite we hung on the bannister is pulling at her bridle as white colts of cirrus frolic across the sky.

Tree buds have opened an unexpected raspberry color, and the contrast between flower and bark is every bit as spectacular as Snow White’s mother could have wished.

Dawn light and Spring birds shimmer against Iowa’s backdrop of Winter grey.

The air smells like dirt. The dogs come in and they smell like newness and rain. Despite all evidence of climate change and impending ecological doom, the Universe is pealing a concinnity of tones themed “Let there be life!”

And then I remember my friend whose cancer killed her right around this time last year. I recall how little there is to make of political drama when you are dying. How little even a parent’s approval can matter when set out against the unrelenting knowledge that for some things, there simply isn’t any cure.

It feels like holy work to pay attention to these sounds. Yet it feels like a sort of betrayal to turn a deaf ear to the human opera playing out around me. I have been guilty before of choosing a doorless tower to defend over the chancy foray into the mud of human relationships. I don’t want to make that same mistake of confusing retreat with victory; of imagining humanness as a war against the very mortal fragility that makes us everything we ever are.

I suppose it is that “either/or” thinking which gets me in trouble in the first place; that way of organizing perceptions that fails to synthesize body and Spirit as soul; that sees change and loss and death as enemies to hate; that imagines integrity as more rigid and unchanging than its ofttimes arbitrary lines in the sand.

Maybe it is that-a framework of choices that can only be “either/or”-that fails to understand what the Universe is offering: not a weapon for a battle to be fought or a warning for a loss to avoid, but a chord to which I can tune, and a motive I can sing. Perhaps that is why Its hymn is buffeting so strongly against my ears. It reminds me that in music dissonance is often necessary to harmony. The opposition of voice against voice is only important because of the way their movement is entwined. There are moments where the silence is louder than the sound.

Maybe, all the Universe wants is for me to resonate its theme, so that, even the midst of so much discordant clashing, the heart can hear the sound God first sang: “Let there be Life!”

Salvaged Worship

A friend of mine keeps a blog called Salvaged Faith.  At the top of the page, there is a definition of the word salvaged which reads: “to save discarded or damaged material for future use.” Are you a salvager? Do you use and reuse items? Have you ever turned broken plates  into a countertop mosaic or do you stockpile twisty ties and rubber bands?  

An issue facing many local churches is an inability to find singers for the choir, an organist for the organ or even a pianist to play hymns. I was recently asked by a church leader what a church can do to fix this problem. Despite the availability of hymns on cd, there is still a serious sense that energy, vitality, life, and worship falter when there are no musicians in the congregation.

Assuming that there are reasons why a congregation cannot simply go out and purchase the services of qualified musicians, (which is an option some churches employ), I suggest using a salvage approach. This is more than a “make-do” approach.  It is more than “waiting for Superman.” What I mean is to actively scavenge for used approaches that can be re-purposed, and to actively rescue discarded practices from the landfill of time.

Organs, pianos, and singers with a degree from Oberlin are not necessary for the people of God to worship God. I think we can get too much into a re-creation mode in worship and not enough into a creation mode in worship. Early American churches completely disdained the use of instruments in worship, relying solely on the singing of the gathered worshipers (congregational singing), and this amongst groups of  people who would not have been able to read words, much less musical notation.

Singing is a native activity. It makes use of bodies, our free gift from God. Just because many of us have forgotten how, almost all human beings are born with an innate sense of pitch and tone. We can learn melodies quite well, and the more we hear and use them, the easier they are. Check out Nadia Bolz-Weber’s article on congregational singing at Patheos.com: People Will Actually Sing If You Let Them 

Practically, I think this means that if you have a church which does not have strong music leadership, it may be time to get back into basic singing-focusing the entire community on learning 4 or 5 tunes really well and adapting lyrics to those tunes, rather than trying to cover 60% of the hymnal in a year.

And singing is not the only way people can make music to God. Poetry, sacred movement, tambourines and feet can all express music. This means truly reinventing worship to be a creative expression of praise to the Creator. If that involves a percussion ensemble improvising on home-made drums, walk away from a church organ. You can refurbish, redistribute, or relocate it to the Glory of God. I recently heard that someone was able to “part out” an old piano and made more money than they could have received by selling it outright.

How do people in the mountains of Guatemala worship?  How do people worship in churches without pews, walls, pulpits, and lecterns?  Because people do worship in  a number of ways.  They do worship on landfills, in open fields, at parishioners’ homes and through the grates between prison cells.  When resources are lacking, people come up with creative, innovative and startling solutions.

My advice, if your church is facing a lack of music leadership, is not to seek a pastor who can sing, or even necessarily to invite an organist from another town to pre-record hymns on your church organ.  Instead, reclaim the talents and skills of your own community to make something new out of the materials at hand.

The Distance Between There and Here

There is a long, long road between noticing there is a problem and actually doing something about it. What’s more, there are a lot of stoplights, potholes, and rest areas between one end of the journey and the other. Still, on that road, when stopped for the umpteenth time, sometimes I just don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

The 2014 Iowa Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church adopted resolution 9339 Combating Racism and Sexism. The full text of this resolution can be found here: 2015 Iowa Conference Book of Resolutions, but the meat and potatoes of the resolution are as follows:

“THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED: That the churches of the Iowa Annual Conference take the call to repent of racism and sexism seriously by holding quadrennial seminars or workshops on Racism and Sexism in which all pastors and District and Conference staff are required, and church members are strongly encouraged to participate.”

So I was excited to be asked to train as a facilitator for the Healthy Boundaries training which the Iowa Annual Conference requires for all clergy persons. Like many large organizations, the United Methodist Church carries insurance which includes requirements to train staff on sexual ethics, professional boundaries, and power dynamics.

The presenter was Dr. Miguel De La Torre. Dr. De La Torre is a Biblical ethicist whose “academic pursuit has been ethics within contemporary U.S. thought, specifically how religion affects race, class, and gender oppression.”(*) Dr. De La Torre gave the workshop using his book Liberating Sexuality: Justice Between the Sheets. It was a day of lecture and small group discussion which was filmed with the intent that each District of the Conference would use it for the Healthy Boundaries training.

To my surprise, about a month after the class, I received an email letter telling me that my services as a volunteer facilitator won’t be needed. The reason given: The Ministerial Ethics Committee is going to “refocus the curriculum and method of presentation.”

According to the letter, while expressing appreciation for Dr. De La Torre’s training

as it related to sexism and racism. There was also the shared belief that the content did not focus directly on the purpose of our mandatory training: maintaining healthy boundaries, promoting appropriate self-care, and understanding power dynamics. These are important as we seek to promote safe and healthy congregations.”

It is crazy-making that education about sexism and racism are erased from the Committee’s consideration of how to promote safe and healthy congregations! I believe it is that very erasure which led the Conference to pass Combating Racism and Sexism in the first place.

The unequal share of power given to professionals in positions of trust such as pastors is the reason that boundary trainings are implemented in the first place. That power difference between pastors and members of their congregations or between pastors and members of their staff are the same “power dynamics” that form the roadbed beneath expressions of sexism and racism in our society.

Now, if our shared goal is merely to fulfill a requirement to lower insurance premiums, let’s just film a 10 minute training module and put it up on the Conference website and log the views.

If, however, the shared trouble we mean to address-the continued misuse of power by ministry professionals-is understood to be an outgrowth of sexism and racism, it is irresponsible to sideline Dr. De La Torre’s training which dealt directly with the links between sexism and abuses of power; the links between racism and abuses of power; the links between unquestioned religious teaching and abuses of power.

Even though I understand it is merely a stop on the road to a time when all relationships are lived out with equality and respect, this unplanned detour disappoints me deeply. As troubling and difficult as explicit talk about sexism and racism can be, the continued toll actual sexism and racism takes on women and communities of color is a scandalous corruption of the Good News so many of us claim to share.

Of Hypocrites and Judges

Bill Maher makes a good case for the idea that Christians are judgmental hypocrites. I know it is a good case because so many people use it as the basis for their relationship to the church. It is the reason many people I know who used to go to church don’t anymore. The argument is plastered between the lines of Pew Research Polls, and even ordained Elders in the United Methodist Church find themselves on the ropes defending congregations whose attitudes towards the poor, the disreputable, and the criminal better line up with the attitudes of the Economy than they do with Paul (Romans 2).

On the one hand we Christians publicly denounce Muslims such as Malala Yousafzai and Eboo Patel as violent people who adhere to a violent religion, while on the other we are more supportive of torture as a tool of national security than non-religious people. We proclaim an ethic of life while supporting church policies that shame people into closets, prisons, and suicide because we can’t wrap our prudish minds around intimacies that are not our own.

Hypocrisy really is not too difficult to prove.

But what about the judgmental part?

Over the course of our history, The United Methodist Church has made headlines while wrangling whether we are guilty of heterosexism or guilty of failing to sanctify sexual sin. We have held trials, requested declaratory rulings from our Judicial Council, and processed a variety of complaints in attempts at what we call “just resolutions.” People in these processes are accompanied by counsel and, in the case of trials, there are even juries and rulings by precedent. While members of the church swing widely between those who want to see church law evenly applied and upheld and those who believe some laws are unjust and must be confronted with civil disobedience, the whole of the church seems to believe deeply in the rule of law.

Our whole method of accountability is built on judgment.

The Rev. Anna Blaedel here in Iowa is undergoing just such a process of official judgment. A few months ago, some people here in Iowa decided they had to “complain” about Reverend Blaedel, and our Bishop, Julius Trimble, decided that complaint had merit. I presume the complaint was made and received because there are a couple of sentences in our book of church law that say Anna Blaedel, an out, partnered, queer clergyperson, is incapable of bearing fruit, of shining Christ, of discipling others, or of being entrusted to care for the souls of those people the denomination appoints under their charge.

Which is all well in good, except that those statements are demonstrably false. Whether or not our book says they can, I have witnessed Anna Blaedel balming broken souls. Whether or not our book says they can, I have witnessed Anna Blaedel’s teaching inspire others to commit to a life in Christ. Whether or not our book says they can, I have experienced the passage of Grace through Anna Blaedel’s hands into my own flagging spirit and faith.

The Reverend Anna Blaedel is one of those rare, shining souls whose very presence breathes peace and wholeness. They live a life of faithful dedication and unwavering discipline. They exude Holy Spirit. I knew Anna by name before I ever met them. I knew they were brave, kind, compassionate, authentic, deliberate and special simply by the ripples they left in their wake; from their parents, from my husband, from the children at Collegiate United Methodist Church in Ames, from members of the Osage First United Methodist Church. Over and over and over again, Anna is described as a “beautiful” soul, and that soul ignites and rekindles faith, hope, love, joy, compassion, peacefulness, patience, generosity and kindness in others.

What is that if not fruit? What is that if not ministry? What is that if not a God-given Gift, and what does it mean that the United Methodist Church wants to cast that Giftedness out of its circles?

Bill Maher would say it means we are judgmental hypocrites.

But you know what? Finally, I don’t think it is that we are judgmental, even if we are hypocrites. I think it is that we fear Judgment. People who are filled with faith and the Holy Spirit shine on us, and in that shining, our own meannesses and cruelties become visible. What we thought was our loving is shown to be conditional contracts where we exchange power and control. What we thought was our generosity is shown to be mere grudging pity. What we thought was our hopefulness is a thin veneer of sentiment layered over fear.

It is their shining that exposes our nakedness and it is our own flawed relationship with Christ that has us cowering in fear. John said it,

“The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” (NASB)

And later,

“This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” (NIV)

In many ways, the whole of John’s Gospel spins the story of how desperate people are to escape that Light, to stay out of its beam. So desperate they took their hammers and nails and saws and baseball bats to tear it down and smash it to bits. What makes us think we are any different than those people in John’s Gospel? What makes us think we are immune to the fear? That we are ready and able and happy to stand in Christ’s Shining?

I don’t think it is in judgment that we are casting out our Anna Blaedels. I do not think we are even doing it because we actually deem them unworthy. I think we are casting them out because we deem ourselves unworthy. We do not hate them because we see some kind of darkness in their living. We hate them because we cast shadows in their light.